After all the 6 session of chemo, I'm finally can relax my mind a little bit, just a little bit. If not, every time seeing my father suffering from the poisonous drugs. Can't eat, vomit, hair fall, and etc.
Well, at least I've done my best part as the elder son in my family. Every time he came down to Penang for Chemo Session, he will be staying alone at hospital. I could not help him much, but just to take leave and went there to take good care of him.
It is really a very pressuring time for me, where by my annual leave only few days only. So I have to take unpaid leave. (end up deducted salary up to RM400 per month) :( Things that happened to my family, I won't forgive myself so easily.
Imagine, because of your college study, expenses and etc, your father away far from home to earn money for you to continue your study, and yes, now you are able to graduate and working now. Now father's health got problem, and what could you do?
I blame myself alot, I hate myself alot. Why I'm letting my father to suffer from this health problem?
I've even pray to God, telling the God that I trust the most, that I believe the most. "Dear God, please, please, please don't take my father away from me, I really cannot survive without him. I haven't re-pay him back for what he has given to me when I was still young. "
"Dear God, please, I beg of you, please... don't take him away from me... Dear God, if you really want to take away him from me, i beg you please re-consider, I would want to exchange my father with my life."
"Dear God, I rather live 10 years less in exchange to my father's healty. If it is not enough, make it 20 years! Just please don't take my father away from me, from my family... "
Now, all I hope and wish, is just simple thing even every time I went to temple for pray... My father's health. Nothing I could ask more from Dear God. Now whole family depending on me, making my responsibility and pressure even greater. But I do not really care on it, so long I could see the smile of my father, my family, all the pressures, tears, sadness will be gone. There is alot of things that I did not really told my parents nor my brother and sister, as I really don't want them to worry so much. Just let all the things come to me, let me handle it all myself.
I just want to see my father's happy and no worries faces. I couldn't tell him that my current company problem, no bonus, no OT, no increment. How am I with my family suppose to survive for coming Chinese New Year.
This causing me alot, seriously alot of headache and pressures. I really don't know what to do. I really don't know what others else that I could do now?
But now all I know, I still can handle it, I'm still able to take the pressures. Please don't tell my family about my company's situations. I just hoping and wishing the best for my father's healths. Nothing more I could ask for now until after 18th December.
Just waiting nervously for the day to come. Really hoping and wish alot for my father, "Get Well Soon, my beloved father. You are my hero, you are my fame, you are me"